hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize