I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
