I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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