If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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