Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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