Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
