your parents love me but you hate me
from now on my penis is your penis
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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