I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
