If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
