i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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