Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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