I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
