I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Please don't give away my fajitas
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
