Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
