You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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