well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
