Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
