i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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