Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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