I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
