Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize