I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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