Swine flu is the new snow day.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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