Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
