I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
