I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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