this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
