Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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