I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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