and you said cock pushups were impossible
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
