I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
