Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
