I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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