Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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