I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
