we have pet lesbian snakes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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