how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
