Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
