I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
