At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
