those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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