I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
