I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
