she woke up with a sticky ear
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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