seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
