so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
