I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
