i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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