i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize