too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
