I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
