Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
