he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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