I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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