It's like God shit irony all over that family
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize