You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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