my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
