I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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